Discover transformative techniques to navigate the emotional challenges of the holiday season. This blog delves into my personal experiences of facing and managing Christmas triggers linked to childhood trauma and offers practical mindfulness strategies, self-love practices, and effective ways to set boundaries to maintain your well-being during holiday events.
My Personal Experience of Being Triggered at Christmas
Each Christmas was like reopening an old book filled with chapters of my childhood struggles. The sight of charity food hampers and second-hand gifts, while gratefully received, was a stinging reminder of the poverty we endured. The lights on the $2.00 shop Christmas tree couldn't illuminate the darker memories of my childhood – the scarcity at home, the weight of feeling 'less than' my peers and feelings of being unlovable flowed back into my being every holiday season.
The festive season was also synonymous with facing the challenges of a parent's alcoholism. The holidays were often overshadowed by the unpredictability of their drinking, which brought a sense of anxiety and sadness, making the season a time of vigilance rather than relaxation. There was also utter boredom with nothing to do for the long holiday, as one alcoholic father lay in front of the TV drunk passed out ‘watching’ the cricket. Seeing or hearing about the cricket score every holiday period was enough to bring me right back to those memories.
Seeing family for the holidays was a trigger that would often spiral me into a weeklong depression, where the joy of the season was lost in the shadows of past pain and a sense of grief for a childhood I never had. The festive music and decorations, instead of lifting my spirits, became triggers that reminded me of what I had endured.
My Transformation Through Mindfulness and Self-Love
The turning point came when I consistently practised mindfulness and meditation. This practice helped me to stay present, reducing the power of painful memories and the impact of my family’s behaviour on my well-being. I learned to observe my emotions and acknowledge them and put in place strategies to help me.
I nurtured self-love. It meant treating myself with the kindness I would offer a good friend in the same situation as me, recognising that I deserved joy and peace. This self-love empowered me to focus on what I wanted to do during the holidays rather than just go along with it all out of a sense of obligation.
Learning to set boundaries was a crucial strategy. I began to choose which family gatherings to attend and how long to stay; I practised what I would say, developed SOS strategies and ensured I had time for self-care. I drew on the support of my husband, I learned to say no to situations that I knew would be triggering. This was a significant step in protecting my mental health.
I also worked on letting go of the idealised version of the holidays I never experienced and will never experience. Instead, I focused on what truly mattered, creating new traditions with my husband and chosen family, moments of connection and self-care. This really helped me manage Christmas holiday triggers. This shift in perspective was truly liberating, allowing me to experience the holidays with more peace and genuine happiness of my own creating and choosing.
Managing Christmas Holiday Triggers at Family Events
Navigating emotional triggers, especially within the context of family interactions during the holidays, can be complex and overwhelming; it was for me! Understanding and managing these triggers is crucial for maintaining mental and emotional well-being.
1. Identifying Emotional Triggers
Recognising Patterns: The first step is to identify what specifically triggers you. This could be certain topics of conversation, specific family members’ behaviours, or even particular holiday rituals. Reflecting on past holiday experiences can help pinpoint these triggers.
Understanding the Root Cause: Often, these triggers are linked to deeper issues or past traumas. Understanding the underlying reasons for your reactions can be enlightening and aid in managing them more effectively.
2. Strategies for Managing Triggers
Mindful Awareness: Practicing mindfulness helps in recognising the onset of emotional responses. When you start feeling triggered, take a moment to acknowledge these feelings without judgment. Don’t try to deny them.
Developing Coping Strategies: Have a set of coping mechanisms ready. This could include taking deep breaths, fidgeting items, excusing yourself from a triggering situation, or using grounding techniques to stay present.
Pre-Event Planning: Before attending a family gathering, mentally prepare yourself for potential triggers. Remind yourself of your coping strategies and plan how you might use them. Writing them down on a small bit of paper and keeping it in your pocket so you can refer to it is very helpful.
3. Communicating About Triggers
Setting Boundaries: If certain topics or behaviours are likely to trigger you, don’t hesitate to set boundaries with family members. Communicate your needs clearly and calmly. See more on this below.
Seeking Understanding: While you can’t control others' actions, you can request understanding and support. Explain how certain actions or words affect you, doing so in a non-confrontational manner.
4. Aftercare Post-Triggering Events
Self-Reflection: After encountering a trigger, take time to reflect on the experience. What did you learn about your emotional responses? How effective were your coping strategies?
Self-Compassion: It’s important to practice self-compassion. Acknowledge that dealing with triggers can be challenging and that it’s okay to feel upset or overwhelmed. Don’t be hard on yourself if you reacted in a way you didn’t want to. Your response in itself might be helpful in furthering insight and building resilience in the future.
Professional Support: If you find it difficult to manage triggers on your own, consider seeking help from a therapist. They can provide strategies and insights to better understand and manage your emotional triggers.
By recognising triggers, communicating needs, setting boundaries, and practising self-care, it’s possible to navigate these challenges more effectively, leading to a more peaceful and enjoyable holiday experience.
Handling Specific Family Dynamics and Difficult Conversations
The holidays often bring us into close contact with family dynamics, which can be challenging. Knowing how to navigate these situations, especially when difficult conversations arise, is crucial for maintaining a sense of peace and well-being.
5. Strategies for Dealing with Criticism and Judgment
Responding to Criticism: When faced with criticism from family members, it's important to stay calm and composed. Don’t hesitate to express your feelings using 'I' statements. For instance, "I understand you see it differently, but this is how I experience it." Of course, you should not tolerate outright verbal attacks, belittling etc.
6. Dealing with Difficult Relatives
Setting Boundaries: Be clear about your boundaries with difficult relatives. If certain topics are off-limits, communicate this beforehand. See more on boundaries below.
Finding Common Ground: Try to find neutral or positive topics of conversation that you both enjoy. This can help ease tension and foster a more amicable atmosphere. Sometimes, there is no common ground, for example, racist or sexist beliefs. Don’t waste your time trying to convince them otherwise. My experience is they dig their heels in and just become defensive.
If you know you’ll be interacting with a particularly challenging relative, have a support system in place. This could be another family member who understands the situation or a friend you can call or message.
7. Role-plays for Navigating Challenges
Now, this one may seem odd, but trust me, it works. I have practised role-playing a difficult scenario that would come up every year with my husband. He pretended he was the difficult relative and I practised how I’d ideally like to respond. This helps tremendously in gaining the confidence to actually respond in that way when it comes up without being overtly triggered. You can try this with a friend, partner or therapist. It really helps.
8. Handling Heated Discussions
Staying Calm: When a conversation becomes heated, focus on maintaining your calm. Take deep breaths and remember your coping strategies.
Avoiding Escalation: Avoid raising your voice or using accusatory language. This only serves to escalate the situation.
Knowing When to Exit: If the conversation becomes too uncomfortable or hostile, it’s okay to politely excuse yourself. You can say something like, "I think we’re both getting a bit heated. Let’s take a break." It's okay to politely disengage by going for a walk, go to the bathroom or suggest discussing the topic at another time.
Effective Boundaries
Navigating the holiday season often requires effective communication and the establishment of clear boundaries, especially in complex family dynamics. These skills are essential for maintaining mental health.
Clarity in Communication: Clearly communicating your needs and boundaries to family members can prevent misunderstandings and reduce stress. It involves expressing your feelings, needs, and limits in a way that is honest and respectful.
Respect for Personal Limits: Boundaries help in defining what you are comfortable with and how you wish to be treated by others. It is about understanding your limits and communicating them to those around you. Define Your Boundaries: Take time to reflect on what boundaries are necessary for your well-being. These could be related to time spent with family, topics of conversation, or personal space.
Communicating Boundaries: Once you know your boundaries, communicate them clearly. Be direct, yet respectful. For instance, "I need some time alone in the mornings. It helps me feel more present during the day."
Staying Firm and Consistent: It’s important to stay consistent with your boundaries. If a boundary is crossed, remind the person gently but firmly. It is also important to not give into guilt or shame to let go of your boundaries. For example, I gave in and met one parent there. Afterwards, I realised exactly why I put the boundary in place as it was difficult to be there and I have since reinstated the boundary.
For me, one of the boundaries I put in place is that I will not meet with family at clubs, pubs or bars. This is because these places serve alcohol and have gaming machines. Both of these are very triggering for me as one parent is an alcoholic, and the other is addicted to gambling, which was a major cause of the neglect and severe poverty I experienced as a child. I now meet one parent at a café, which enables us to have more in-depth conversations away from the triggers and distractions of alcohol and gambling.
Some boundaries you might like to set are
Setting a time limit on how long you are willing to stay
A topic you do not want to discuss
An activity/tradition you do not want to engage in
A place you will not go to
A behaviour you will not accept from a particular person
SOS, Quick Mindfulness Exercises and Affirmations
SOS Helplines
It’s okay to be triggered and overwhelmed and not know what to do. I have found helplines really helpful as the person on the other line listens and offers some strategies.
9. Quick Mindfulness Exercises
Using quick mindfulness exercises and positive affirmations is a powerful tool for managing stress and maintaining a sense of calm, especially if you are triggered. These practices can be done anywhere and require only 30 seconds to a few minutes, making them ideal for a SOS situation.
Here are some I personally use.
Box Breathing: Focusing on your breath. Inhale deeply for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds. Slowly, hold for 4 seconds and then repeat. Count the seconds as you are doing this, it really helps to focus the mind. This simple exercise can quickly bring you back to the present moment and no one will know you are doing it.
Five Senses Exercise: To ground myself, I notice and name in my mind five things I can see, four things I can hear, three things I can touch, two things I can smell, and one thing I can taste. It’s okay if you can’t taste anything. This exercise helps to centre my mind and reduce anxiety. It brings you out of flight, flight, freeze, fawn responses and more into the calm rational mind.
Mindful Observation: I choose an object within sight and focus on it for a bit. I name its colour, shape, and texture in my mind as if I were explaining the object in detail to someone on the phone. This practice of mindful observation really helps calm a racing mind.
Physical touch/fidgets: I always take a wrist mala with me, and I run it through my fingers, feel the texture and often repeat an affirmation for each bead. You can bring your own fidget items or get creative, such as folding a napkin multiple times and unfolding it and repeating this process.
10. Affirmations you can try are
"I am calm and present in every moment.
“Each breath grounds me to the here and now."
“The breath is my sanctuary.”
“I am safe.”
“I set boundaries with kindness and respect."
"I am not alone. I am connected to the love within me.”
"I give myself permission to take breaks and care for myself.”
“I cannot change others, I can only change myself”.
Quick mindfulness exercises and affirmations are simple yet powerful tools that can significantly impact your ability to navigate holiday stress. Try these out when you are triggered during the holidays.
Conclusion
Navigating the emotional landscape of the holiday season, particularly when it is intertwined with personal triggers and past traumas, requires both courage and compassion. My personal journey of transformation through mindfulness, self-love, and the setting of boundaries has been pivotal in reshaping my experience of Christmas and other holidays. By identifying and managing emotional triggers, handling challenging family dynamics, and employing quick mindfulness exercises and affirmations, I have learned to embrace the festive season with a sense of peace and genuine joy.
This transformation wasn't instantaneous; it demanded persistence, patience, and a willingness to face and understand the deeper roots of my triggers. For anyone struggling with similar challenges, remember that you are not alone. The journey towards healing and enjoying the holidays, despite past traumas, is possible. It involves a conscious decision to prioritise your mental health and the courage to break free from the shadows of the past. Embrace the process, be kind to yourself, and remember that each small step is a leap towards a more peaceful and joyous festive season.
Also, remember it is okay to say no and not see family if that would be better for you. You do not have to give in to a sense of obligation.
May this holiday season be a testament to your resilience and a celebration of the new traditions and joyous moments you create, surrounded by love, peace, and contentment.